The Date that will Live in Infamy

Surprisingly, I haven't done anything scandalous for a while. That's good news for my personal life, not so good news for my comic relief abilities. So, I decided to pull a story from the vaults. My favorite story to tell new acquaintances is that of my date with a young man named Andrew.

I was fifteen years old, and I wanted to go to Prom. I expressed my concerns about my lack of a date to my friend, Blake and so he promised to set me up with one of his friends. I knew Andrew from drama, and he seemed like a nice guy, so I agreed to go to Prom with him. I also, might have agreed to be his girlfriend. I tend to stumble my way into unwanted relationships. It's happened a few times. But, that's a story for another day.

For our first date we decided to go to Disney World. We had earned free day-passes by singing in the Disney Candlelight Celebration a few months earlier, and lived only an hour away so it would be a fun little day-trip date. I heard the wail of our broken doorbell, and slowly walked down the stairs to make sure he did not know that I had been anxiously waiting for him to arrive. When I opened the oversized blue door, I could hardly keep from gasping. His dark blonde hair was uncombed and messy, he was wearing the kind of glasses my dad wore in the 1970's over his blue eyes, it looked like he had grabbed the nearest clothes to him off of his floor with no concern for color-matching or cleanliness. “You ready to go?” he asked me with a wide grin on his face. I self-consciously crossed my arms over my chest as I nodded and walked down the steps. Just give him a chance, I told myself, He really is a very nice guy, I shouldn't be so shallow. Then I saw the car. It was a white, windowless, 1990's Dodge van, a creeper van. This kid drove a creeper van. The kind of van that when you see it, you half expect a mustachioed man to pop out and offer you candy. I hesitated for a second, then shakily grabbed the passenger door-handle, opened the door, and climbed inside.

            The ride to Orlando did not make me feel any more comfortable. The day before, I had burned a CD of my favorite music to listen to the car. The conversation certainly wasn't flowing as I would have hoped, and so I had to entertain myself somehow! But, every time I would start to dance a little bit, or sing a few lines, Andrew would look over at me and just laugh, the kind of laughter that makes you tired and sore, and makes tears stream from your mirthful eyes. I finally just gave up and sat in silence until the CD was over. “Now, it's my turn!” Andrew said happily as he pulled a CD from his glove compartment. I glanced at the cover art as it passed in front of my face, “Let Us Sing of Jesus” was the title. When he started singing along to “You Raise Me Up” with tears welling in his eyes I leaned over and fell asleep.

            When we got to Disney's MGM, my favorite of the four parks, we decided to grab some lunch before riding any rides. I suggested we go to 50's Prime Time Cafe, which is a fun, family-style restaurant where the waiters and waitresses are called your Aunts and Uncles and punish you for putting your elbows on the table or not washing your hands by sending you to the corner. They will also pretend your fork is an airplane to persuade you to eat your peas, and refuse to serve you dessert if you have not finished said peas. The restaurant is on the expensive side, as is everything in Disney World, so I ordered a turkey sandwich, one of the least expensive items on the menu. Andrew, on the other hand ordered a huge platter of fried chicken which cost around $20. I thought, Well, it's his money. I guess he can spend it however he wants. Then the bill arrived. “You've got this, right?” he asked me.

“What?” I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

“Well,” he said, “I payed for the gas on the way here, so it's only fair that you pay for lunch.” I stared at him in amazement for a few seconds, and then grudgingly pulled out my wallet and paid for lunch. I wouldn't have minded paying for myself, or maybe even for him if he had ordered something less pricey. It's safe to say I was rather grumpy for the rest of the date.

            After a full day of awkwardness, including the fact that whenever we would go on a roller-coaster I would scream my head off like a normal human being while he sat next to me in complete silence. The only explanation I could come up with was that he was trying to put on a cool, brave show for me. I was not impressed. At about 5:00 pm, I asked if we could go because I was starting to get a headache. He complained the entire way home, Jesus music blasting, about how I should have come prepared with Tylenol and that I had cut his fun day short.

            When he dropped me off, it was obvious that he was waiting for me to lean in and kiss him. Instead I ran for the door and got inside as quickly as I could. I was laughing with my older brother, Nathan, about what an awful day I had when I got a text message, “I didn't get my goodnight kiss.” I typed a quick reply while Nathan howled with laughter next to me, “I'm sorry. That's unfortunate”, I said. Not five seconds after I had sent my message, I felt my phone buzz in my pocket. I looked down at the little screen and saw the words “I'm parked in your driveway ;)”

“He used a winky face,” Nathan giggled, “he means business!”

“Shut up” I breathed as I tried to decide what to do. Should I go outside and face the horror that was Andrew? Or should I try and wait it out? After a few slow-breathing exercises I decided to go outside. I had already been pretty mean to this kid all day long, I would just go outside and tell him that I was not particularly interested in getting my face anywhere near his. I owed him that much.

            I slowly made my way down the steps, trying to think of a way out of any scenario he could possibly put me in. I made my way across the lawn that was more weeds than grass, tripping over the tree roots that blocked the path to the driveway. He took one look at me and said, “Get in the van.”

“Uh, excuse me?” I stammered.

“Mary,” he said slowly, like he was speaking to a child, “you should get in my van.” I could not believe what I was hearing. Had I not mused earlier that his van was the type you expected to be enticed into? Curse my prophetic genius! I thought as I tried to come up with a solution to my dilemma.

“Mary, seriously, just get in the van.” My eyes frantically darted for an escape. I needed to make a getaway that would get me to safety, but at the same time not offend him enough that he would rescind his offer to take me to Prom. I saw out of the corner of my eye that all three of my brothers were watching me from the sunroom window. I tried to make danger-eyes at them, but they just continued to laugh at me. Nathan was winking incessantly.

            “Do you want these people,” he pointed to the busy street I lived on, “to see us kiss?”

 I don't want anyone, anywhere to ever see us kiss! I thought.

“Get in the van.”

I am not getting in that van.

“Mary, just get in the van.”

No way. Never. Not happening.

“Mary, c'mon!”

AHHHHHH!

            So, I was sitting in the van a few seconds later, cursing my brothers, my friend that had set me up on this date, whoever designed these nasty vans, blaming pretty much everyone I could think of except for myself. Andrew crawled in after me and closed the sliding door. I just looked at him, not knowing what to expect. He didn't say anything. He simply crouched down in front of me, next to the door, staring at the roof. After several very tense moments he whispered, “How long does this automatic light take to turn out?” That was it. He had been sitting there waiting for mood lighting!

That was enough. I grabbed the door handle and ran. I ignored the laughter of my brothers as I walked up to my mother's room to tell her what had happened. She also laughed at me. The next day I got home from school and saw a gift bag lying on my bad. There was a note from my mother that read “This will probably come in handy. Don't do anything stupid. Love, Mom & Dad.” I reached into the bag and pulled out a rape whistle and a small can of mace.