Fight or Flight

(Names have been changed to protect the innocent.) I have a theory. I think that the reason that I get myself into all these awkward situations is that I lack a proper response when I panic. Most people choose to fight the situation, or run from it. I do neither, I curl up in a ball and lose the ability to think, move, or speak. Much like an armadillo.

My friend, Craig Danger, has been trying to set me up with a friend of his for some time. He's married, and so he shares the desire of all married people to get all of their friends to a similar relationship status.

A few hours before Mr. Danger and his wife were supposed to pick me up, he texted me and said, "Just thought I would tell you, I didn't present this to Bow-tie as a blind double date as much as I did like friend going to get food...Just to give you some context..." I assumed that he was hinting that I would need to pay for myself, and I was fine with that. Even if he hadn't been tricked into going on a date with me, I would feel weird about him paying for me, because he doesn't know me.

Well, we went to dinner and it was great. I was proud of myself for not doing anything too ridiculous, but I was congratulating myself too soon. The check came, and they had not split it in any way. We all felt slightly uncomfortable about where to go from there, so we ignored the check and talked for another fifteen minutes. Finally, Bow-tie just took the check and started walking away. Of course, as a man, Craig needed to run after him and argue about who was going to pay.

This manly ritual threw me off and I suddenly didn't know if I was supposed to go up there and offer to pay or not. I looked up at Mrs. Danger and jokingly said that I didn't know what to do. "Well, I'm certainly not paying for myself," she laughed, "Except the joke's on me, because that card goes to my account." As I struggled with my panicked paralysis, the boys paid the check. They came back and I could feel that the dynamic had changed, something had shifted, the awkwardness that I had avoided all night had finally set in.

I quietly took the lollipop that had come with the check and put it shamefully in my mouth. I sat there for a second and then realized that this lollipop was certainly going to turn my mouth blue. What have you done!? I screamed internally. But, there was no going back. Pretty much the only thing weirder than having a blue mouth, would be to stop eating that accursed lollipop. So, as we said our goodbyes, I looked like this:

To sum up, I basically tricked a boy I had never met before into a double date, and then looked like an overexcited five year old on Halloween. Classy.